English
by gallifrey calls now
Summary: not British. A series of oneshots starring English!Kurt. Because, come on – I'm not the only one thinking about it. This story features an awesome, confident, Doctor Who inclined Kurt Hummel. Not to mention he has a very sexy accent. Canon pairings.
1. Pilot Part 1

Summary: A series of oneshots starring English!Kurt. Because, come on – I'm not the only one thinking about it. This story features an awesome, confident, Doctor Who inclined Kurt Hummel. Not to mention he has a very sexy accent. Canon pairings

BACK STORY TIME

Alrightie, so, this is a Kurt Hummel who, after his mother died, got taken away by his grandmother and shipped away to London. While there, he didn't need to hide himself behind clothes. His still wears awesome clothes, so don't worry, especially bowties and the occasional fez, because, hey, bowties and fezzes are cool. He's confident, clever and has some snappy retorts that leave idiots gaping. He takes shit from no one. After his grandmother dies, he goes back to his father, in Lima, Ohio, and goes to school at McKinley High. Let it be said, they won't know what hit them. THERE SHALL BE NO BASHING. YE BE WARNED.

I personally fell in love with the idea. English!Kurt. Come on, who wouldn't. Also, warning: there will be epic Kurt/Puck BFF friendship. Or, no. No, more like fuck you, man, no, fuck YOU, man, except one of the "fuck you's" is going to be more eloquent because it's Kurt we're talking about.

X Chapter 1: English

Rewrite of **Pilot**

"Bunch of apes," Kurt muttered as he was surrounded by a gang of jocks.

"What was that, new kid?" the one with the Mohawk and the stupid face asked.

"You're a primate," Kurt elaborated, smiling at him coldly. His bag was hanging on his shoulder while his hands were tucked in his pockets, his body the very image of superiority.

"Ooh, look, guys, he's British!"

"English," Kurt hissed, narrowing his eyes. Why did people always make that mistake? "I'm from _England, _you stupid ape."

Mohawk laughed a bit, before he smiled at Kurt predatorily. "The point is that you're new. Thus, you need to learn some rules. You mess with us, and your popularity is going down the drain. See that kid over there?" He pointed to some poor sod with mess for hair climbing out of a dumpster. "You're gonna end up like him."

Kurt sighed, closing his eyes in annoyance. "I do apologize, Mr. Mohawk, sir, but rules are meant to be broken," he said sarcastically, with a twinge of ice. His lips rose in a smirk. "Or does the 'breaking rules' thing only work for you and your pack?"

One of them hissed. The tall freak was standing there, unsure if to look insulted or not. Mohawk's face twitched. "We'll see, Tish."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "_Tish?"_

"From British," Mohawk smirked. "I thought you Brits were supposed to be smart."

Kurt breathed in deeply, annoyed, and said, "It's English, you ignorant sod."

Mohawk smirked. "Come on, guys," he said to the rest of the smelly apes. "Let's leave Tish alone."

"Oh for fuck's sake," Kurt muttered, rolling his eyes.

"See ya around," Mohawk called.

Kurt huffed, puffed, and walked forwards, teeth gritted together. He headed for the headmaster's -, no, principal's office, where he was told to go to get his schedule. Along the way, he spotted the tall, idiot looking guy standing beside what could be his locker with a pretty blonde girl, smiling stupidly at her.

He quickly made his way into the open glass door, where he was invited to take a seat. The principal, a certain Mr. Figgins, smiled at him. Kurt, hesitantly, smiled back. Figgins' smile stayed the same. Kurt started to worry.

"Sir-"

"You're Kurt Hummel, yes?" Figgins asked, smile fading a bit.

Startled, Kurt nodded.

"Okay," Figgins smiled again, showing his teeth. "Here is your schedule, your first class is Spanish with Mr. Schuester, but that has started already so I'll allow you to get familiarized with the school."

Well, that was abrupt. "Sir, I-"

"Off you go," Figgins said, smiling that blank smile again.

Kurt blinked several times, making sure he was seeing alright. "Thank you, sir."

As he had one foot out back in the hallway, he heard Figgins yell after him, "Welcome to McKinley High! I knew I forgot something…"

Kurt had to stifle a hysterical giggle. Such a strange place, America. He walked around, stopping briefly at what was his locker, and noticing with a grimace it had a piece of gum stuck to it. He'd have to clean that. Somehow, he made his way outside, where some cheerleaders (both male and female, he noticed), practice their routine. He leaned on the door frame, listening to the catchy tune. The routine wasn't that hard, really. He'd been a cheerleader back in London. Not for long, but enough for him to learn the moves.

He hummed along for a while before, abruptly, the music stopped. He watched the cheerleaders stop, stay still for a few seconds, when one from the left lost her footing and fell. She was caught, thankfully, so there was no reason to worry. Getting ready to leave, he paused as he heard a megaphone-amplified voice.

"You think this is hard?" the voice asked, disappointed, amused, and arrogant at the same time. "Try being waterboarded. That's hard!"

Kurt chuckled to himself as he continued walking through the school. He passed the class he was supposed to be in, briefly looking through the glass in the door, watching the professor wave his hands around and smiling while enunciating something. The rest of the class looked, predictably, bored to death. Only an Asian boy bothered to take notes, while the others just stood there, staring blankly.

Continuing on with his tour, Kurt glanced at his schedule, not hearing the speedy footsteps until it was too late. A small girl crashed into him, causing him to take in mouthfuls of hair in his mouth.

"Watch it!" she said angrily.

"Well, even if I had, you're such a little thing I'm afraid I would have missed you!" Kurt shot back, annoyed. He glanced at her attire. _Oh sweet mother of God._

Surprise flashed across her features. "Oh my God, you're British!"

"English," he corrected her.

"Are you new here?" she demanded.

"It wouldn't hurt you to be more polite, would it?" Kurt asked, wincing. He took her hand and lifted it to his mouth, gently kissing it. "Kurt Hummel, pleased to meet you. And you are?"

She gaped at him, a bit of red rising into her cheeks, before she pursed her mouth and nodded curtly at him. "Rachel Berry, future Broadway star."

"Oh, a Broadway aspirant, I see."

"What?" she asked haughtily. "You think I can't make it? You wouldn't be the first –"

"Oh, no, sweetie," he smiled, correcting her. "You'll make it. I just wonder how difficult I'll decide to make it for you."

Rachel blinked, once, twice, as the words registered. She scoffed. "Please. I'll wash the floors with you."

"Glad to know you'll be putting up a fight, then," Kurt grinned outright. "So, what are you doing?"

She straightened her back. "_I _am going to Mr. Figgins to report a teacher's inappropriate attitude."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "Oh? Do tell."

X

"You might laugh because every time I sign my name I put a gold star after it, but it's a metaphor."

"And, of course, for an artist, metaphors are important," Kurt said.

"Exactly," Rachel nodded. "My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star." The two avoided the hall traffic nimbly. "Are you signing up for Glee club?"

Kurt blinked. "What's Glee club?"

"You don't-," Rachel stopped, and swerved around to look him in the eye. "You don't know what Glee club is?"

"Maybe it's an American thing," Kurt shrugged. "That might explain it. So what's Glee club?"

"Glee club," Rachel grabbed a hold of his arm and turned right into another hall, stopping in front of a trophy case, "is the very definition of opening yourself up to joy." She looked up at him and grinned brightly. Kurt blinked a bit.

"Alright, but it still doesn't explain what we're doing in Glee club."

"We're going to be singing!" Rachel told him. "_I'm _signing up, but if you want to give me a jump start for my Broadway career by not joining, then, be my guest."

What Kurt was feeling was rather indescribable. To have a girl he met 30 minutes prior say exactly what she'd have to say to convince him to join a club was odd.

Kurt sighed. "Where's the sign-up sheet?"

Rachel grinned even brighter. "I knew it. What will you be singing?"

"For the audition, I suppose?"

"Well, yes."

"I'm thinking something… Sting," Kurt said, thinking carefully.

"Sting?" Rachel piped up.

"You do know Sting, right?" Kurt asked, making sure.

"Of course!" She sounded scandalized. "It's just… I'd have thought you would have sung something Broadway."

"Look, Rachel, just because I want to go on Broadway sometime doesn't mean I have to limit myself to one genre," Kurt pointed out. "But if I were to sing something Broadway, I'd say… Mr. Cellophane, from the musical Chicago."

"That's a great choice!" she beamed. "I'll be singing Les Mis. On My Own, to be exact. I've been singing it since before I could talk," she said.

Kurt chuckled. "Whatever floats your boat."

X

"Hi, I'm Mr. Schuester, and you're here to audition for Glee Club," Mr. Schuester smiled. "First one up!"

The first one up on the stage was an amazing sounding girl called Mercedes Jones who sang Respect by Aretha Franklin. The way she belted the notes bought Kurt's respect. Next to him, Rachel was tch-ing with disapproval.

"Stop it," Kurt told her quietly.

"Stop what?" Rachel asked back, eyes wide and innocent.

Kurt rolled his eyes in reply, turning his attention back to the stage. Mercedes finished the song with a flourish, earning the applause of the not-too-many people in the auditorium. "Alright, thank you Mercedes, that was amazing," Mr. Schuester said. "Next, Kurt Hummel!"

"You're up, you're up!" Rachel said, pushing him towards the stage.

"Yes, I heard that," Kurt said. "I can manage walking on my own, thank you."

Rachel grimaced. "Sorry. Break a leg."

Kurt smiled and quickly got up the stairs. He waited until Mr. Schuester looked at him to speak. "Yes, hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be singing Englishman in New York by Sting," he said, shuffling to get the microphone at the right height.

"That sounds great," Mr. Schuester said, "Let's hear it."

"I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear… I like my toast done on one side. And you can hear it in my accent when I talk… I'm an Englishman in New York."

X

After he was done, he got off the stage and rejoined Rachel in the back. "How was it?" he asked, grinning slyly.

Rachel looked him up and down, crossing her arms and jutting her chin out stubbornly. "Passable," she said. "But I've heard better," she said, looking forward to the stage.

"Rach-"

"Ssh," she reprimanded sharply. "There's auditions going on, be respectful."

Kurt couldn't help but snort.

After him came an Asian girl with a stutter, named Tina C, who sang I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry. After her came Rachel's turn. True to her word, she sang Les Mis, hitting every note as well she was extremely used to singing it.

Kurt wasn't really surprised, really. Rachel did seem a bit overzealous, if not just very, very ambitious. It would be her downfall. That is if he managed to get to her wardrobe first.

X

"Kurt, you might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date."

Kurt choked on the apple he was eating. "MySpace?"

"Mhmm," Rachel nodded. "I try to post a MySpace video every day just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I learned, no one's just gonna hand it to you."

In all honesty, Kurt did try not to laugh, really. It's just… "Being on MySpace isn't going to make you famous, Rachel," he tutted. "It'll make you ridiculized. And so will your clothes."

"Kurt, you're supposed to be on my side!" Rachel said, sounding (and looking) betrayed.

"I am!" he replied, laughing. "Seriously, though, you're a pretty girl but you need to get a new wardrobe."

Either he was an idiot or Rachel missed the last half of his statement completely. "I'm pretty, am I?" she demanded. "Kurt Hummel, are you coming onto me?"

Kurt choked on his apple again. "News flash, Rachel," he said after he finished coughing. "I'm gay."

Rachel blinked. "Just so you know, I'm not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads."

Kurt chuckled and continued on with his apple. "That's nice to know. I can't believe I'm actually relieved."

X

"So I said to myself 'sit down'!"

"Said to myself 'sit down!'."

"Sit down, you're rocking the boat."

"Sit down sit down sit down sit down you're rocking the boat!"

As they finished, all of them planted fake smiles as they heard Artie crash in the wall. Mr. Schue winced.

"We suck," Rachel said, bringing her arms down.

Mr. Schue, in his defense, tried to reply. "Uh, it… It'll get there. We-we just need to keep rehearsing."

Rachel gave him a pitying look. "Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how difficult it is to give the lead solo in Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat to a boy in a wheelchair?"

Artie, annoyed, said, "I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance," he said, adjusting his glasses.

"There is _nothing _ironic about show choir!" Rachel burst out.

"Whoa, calm down, Rachel," Kurt said.

Rachel looked at him, huffed and stormed out of the room stiffly. No one actually bothered to stop here except for Mr. Schue who said, "Rachel… Rachel!" before hearing a door slam and looking back at the rest of the Glee club. He sighed.

After a few seconds of silence, Kurt piped up, "But I do agree, we're pitiful."

"Yeah, no one's gonna vote for the team singing Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat," Mercedes said.

"The British guy is right," Artie said, extending a hand. "Hi. I'm Artie."

Kurt grasped it. "I'm English, by the way. Not British. English. And my name's Kurt."


	2. Acafellas Part 1

I've realized many people don't know the difference between British and English. I'm not an expert, but I've researched online for a bit and come to a conclusion that will be explained to Quinn and Santana in this chapter.

Chapter 2: Acafellas part 1

"It's horrible," Mercedes told Kurt as they were walking to class. "No one, I mean _no one_ is going to take us seriously," she said, shaking her head sadly.

"It is," he nodded. "Actually bloody horrible. Jesus, maybe Glee club isn't as great as it sounds," Kurt finished, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Are you okay?" Mercedes asked, worried.

"Oh yeah, fine, great, really, I'm just -," he yawned loudly, hastily bringing a hand up. "I'm just having trouble adjusting to the time zone. 'S nothing to be worried about."

"Oh," Mercedes said, bringing a hand up to his shoulder and massaging a bit. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Come on, let's go to class."

"Yeah," Kurt nodded, raking his hair with his hand. "God, I'm so tired…"

"We have History now, so you can sleep then," Mercedes laughed, nudging him forward. Kurt laughed a bit, before stopping in his tracks and pulling Mercedes with him behind a locker.

"What's wrong?" Mercedes asked.

Kurt's eyes narrowed. "Quinn and Santana are speaking to Rachel…"

Mercedes' eyes widened. "Okay, no, there's a problem there."

"I know," Kurt said. He shot a half-smile half-smirk to Mercedes and asked her, "Do you want to eavesdrop?"

"Hell yeah," she said, leaning forward.

"It sucks," they heard Quinn say.

"It's completely unoriginal," Santana finished.

"I bet you ten pounds they're talking about our choreography," Kurt told Mercedes.

"Probably," Mercedes nodded. "Now shut up."

Kurt made a zipping motion with his hands.

"Aren't you guys gonna get shunned for talking to me?" Rachel asked carefully, holding her notebooks close.

With a plastic smile, Quinn replied, "Sweetie, we're a team now."

"Bollocks," Kurt hissed.

"But you gotta do something about Mr. Schue's dance routines," Quinn finished, smile dropping off her face.

"I don't see anything bad going on here," Mercedes said.

"Still," Kurt said, winking at Mercedes. "Let's go help a teammate out."

Mercedes' eyes widened. "Kurt!" she hissed, trying to grab onto his arm. "Kurt, what are you –"

"'Ello, ladies," Kurt said with a roguish smile. "Hi, Rachel," he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Still behind the locker, Mercedes rolled her eyes and struggled not to laugh.

Confused, Rachel said, "Hi, Kurt."

"So what's going on?" he asked, thickening his accent. Ladies loved that crap.

Santana smirked and twirled her ponytail between her fingers. "Well, well, the new kid turns out to be British. How I missed that, I don't know. Hi, I'm Santana." She put her hand out for Kurt to shake; Kurt, however, did the same thing he did to Rachel (and Tina and Mercedes): he gently grabbed her hand and kissed it. "I'm Kurt, and it's English, not British."

"Well, what's the difference?" Quinn asked. "My name's Quinn, by the way."

Kurt kissed her hand as well. "I know. Your reputation precedes you. The difference is the following: British is a general term, while English is more specific… You're British if you're from the British Isles. You're English if you're from England."

"But saying you're British is correct," Quinn pointed out.

"I – well, yes, but I'd rather be called English," Kurt said, smiling a winning smile.

"Sure," Santana shrugged.

"I'll do it," Rachel told Quinn and Santana, eager to escape.

"Great," Quinn said. "Teammates right?"

"Bloody bollocks," Kurt disagreed, smiling. "But I suppose I'll join in as well."

Santana scoffed. "Please, like you know what we're talking about."

"Actually, you'll find that you weren't as quiet as you liked to believe," Kurt smiled. "Rachel and I will talk to Mr. Schue about the choreography. If anyone else want to join in, who knows, maybe he's the kind of teacher that caves under peer pressure."

"We need Dakota Stanley," Quinn said.

Mercedes quickly joined Kurt as well, asking, "Who's Dakota Stanley?"

"He's the best show choir choreographer in the mid-west," Quinn said. "He works with Vocal Adrenaline."

"We can't take Regionals without him," Santana added. "He was the understudy of the candelabra in Beauty and the Beast." Santana smirked. "On Broadway."

"…I'll have to research that," Kurt said, thinking it over. "Alright, we'll bite. But keep in mind, if it backfires, _I, _at least, am blaming you."

"Alright," Quinn said.

"Okay," Kurt replied.

"See you, eye candy," Santana finished, smiling coyly.

Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel watched them walk off. Kurt couldn't exactly keep the grimace off his face.

"Thanks for doing that," Rachel muttered.

"Well, Quinn did have a point," Kurt said, "we are teammates and that's what teammates do for each other."

"All for one and one for all?" Mercedes asked.

"Right," Kurt replied, pointing at her. "You're onto something."

"You still didn't have to do that," Rachel told him.

"I know," he shrugged, "but it's not a big deal, really."

x

"5 6 7 8! Step, and step. And step… and step. Down. And dooown. And up! And hit, hit!"

Kurt glanced at Rachel. She had a "kill me now" expression on her face.

"Can – can we stop, please?" she almost begged. A sigh came from the collective.

Mr. Schue turned. "You don't have to ask for permission everytime you want to go to the bathroom, Rachel. You can just go," he said, turning around the start over.

"It's not my bladder," Rachel said slowly. Kurt stifled a chuckle. Mercedes elbowed him. He elbowed back.

"It's the choreography," Rachel finished, looking down.

Mr. Schue looked confused. "Okay, what's wrong with the choreography?"

"We can't compete with the Vocal Adrenaline with these steps…" Rachel trailed off, seeing the disappointed look on Mr. Schue's face.

"Look, Mr. Schuester," Kurt started, "You're a great vocal coach, terrific, actually. But you're not a professional choreographer.

"Yeah," Rachel said. "That's what we need to be the best! We…" Rachel swallowed a bit "we need Dakota Stanley."

Mr. Schue scoffed. "Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed," he said.

"Okay, plan down the drain, he knows about Stanley being on Broadway," Kurt muttered to Mercedes.

Quinn looked at them in pity and said, "Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester?"

Mr. Schue shifted uneasily.

"After high school," she said. "Did you even try?"

"Quinn," Kurt warned.

Mr. Schue looked at them. That face was the face of despair.

X

At the next rehearsal, Finn was mucking about the piano Kurt was busy doing Mercedes' hair while Mercedes did Tina's and Artie watched. The three resident Cheerios, Quinn, Santana and Brittany were standing in the corner, talking about God knows what, when Rachel burst in the choir room, holding a tray and looking somber. "He's not coming."

Everyone straightened up, and Finn asked, "What happened?"

Rachel sighed, setting the tray down. "These are my famous sugar cookies. I bake them for the poor during Christmastime but I whipped up a special batch just for Mr. Schuester," she said. Finn's face brightened.

"Sweet! Can I-"

"Go ahead," she said tiredly. "I tried giving these to Mr. Schuester to say how sorry I was for saying what I said."

"Well, what did he say?" Quinn asked, urgently.

"He said I was right," Rachel replied.

"Then why are you so upset? You love being right," Kurt pointed out.

"He started a boy band," Rachel said.

There was a moment of silence.

"I'm almost scared to find out what it means," Mercedes said.

"Acafellas. Oh, God, I'd hoped it was just a stupid rumor," Kurt said, grabbing his hair.

"They call themselves Acafellas?" Santana asked, incredulous.

"Yes, it's bad, I know…" Kurt sighed.

"He told me we should hire Dakota," Rachel said. "Well, he got the name wrong, but still. Mr. Schue doesn't want us anymore."

"He can't leave," Artie protested.

"He said he'd still be there to 'help us sing and stuff'," she said, quoting with her fingers. "But that he doesn't have time for everything anymore."

"Fucker," Kurt said.

Mercedes shot him a warning look. Santana nodded. "Yeah, the British guy –"

"English."

"Is right," Santana continued, undeterred. "If we want to win we need to do what's best."

"Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us, now that you guys kicked him in the nads!" Finn said.

"Oi, watch it," Kurt said.

"Look," Santana started, "the goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can!"

"But he doesn't want us to," Finn told her. "He doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff," he said, looking pointedly at Rachel.

"And that's my fault?" she asked.

"No, it's his fault," Kurt said. "Look, confidence issues or not aside, the choreography did suck. We did what we had to do to win. The Vocal Adrenaline aren't pushovers, and honestly, compared to them, we're like dirt underneath their expensive dancing shoes," Kurt pointed out.

Finn ignored him. "Do you see anyone here with a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies? I don't, it's just you."

"I can't see the cookies anymore," Kurt snarked. "Since you ate them all."

"I'm bored," Quinn stated.

"Of course you are, princess," Kurt said.

She shot him a filthy look. "All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley?" She raised her arm, looking at all the others.

Artie, Mercedes, Tina, Kurt, Brittany and Santana raised their arms. Hesitantly, Rachel joined.

Finn shot them all glares.

X

Mercedes frowned at all the smiling, kissing couples in the hallway as Kurt was opening his locker.

"Have you ever kissed anybody?" she asked him.

"Yeah, actually," he shot her a sly look. "If by someone you mean my Series Four Doctor Who poster," he clarified, styling his hair in his mirror.

Mercedes frowned.

"No, I haven't," Kurt sighed. "But I want to." He looked at Mercedes from the corner of his eye. She was looking straight at Santana and Mohawk Guy. "Okay, Mercedes. We are in Glee club. That means we are the bottom of the social heap. Special kids will get more play than we will," he said. Thinking it over, he shrugged. "Not that it'll stop me, but still. If I have a crush on Mr. Schue, I'll go after Mr. Schue. Simple as that…"

Mercedes turned to him, horrified. "You have a crush on Mr. Schue?" she asked.

"No," Kurt said, thinking. "It was a bad comparison, I admit. Still. You catch my drift."

She laughed at him, trying to elbow him. He caught her arm and looped it through his. As they started walking to their next class, he asked, "What are you wearing at the Dakota Stanley field trip?"

Mercedes laughed. "Is there a dress code?"

"No, but first impressions are everything," he wiggled a finger at her. "I'm gonna go for ripped jeans, leather jacket and studded boots."

Mercedes stared at him, incredulous. Kurt stared back seriously. Then a smile cracked through.

They both started laughing like mad. "We're gonna go to the mall after school;" he winked. "Meet me at lunch, yeah?"

"Okay," she said, blushing slightly.

As soon as he was gone, Mercedes suddenly felt surrounded – by Quinn and Santana. "You should totally hit that," Quinn said as Santana started petting Mercedes' hair.

Mercedes scoffed. "I don't think I'm his type."

"Oh, I think you are," Quinn said.

"Just follow our advice," Santana said brightly.

"We got your back," Quinn nodded.

X

"Damn, Kurt, this car is fly," Mercedes said. Kurt looked at his shiny black Navigator and patted it, eyes full of affection.

"My dad got it to me as a present for when I moved here," Kurt said. "He said I had to stop wearing long sweaters," he said.

All of them glanced at his dark blue sweater.

Mercedes and Tina raised their eyebrows.

Kurt smirked. "What he doesn't know can't hurt him."

"Are we even sure they're rehearsing today?" Quinn asked.

"Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from 2:30 til midnight," Rachel said.

Kurt looped his arm through Mercedes' once more. "I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us," Mercedes said. "They're so cool and popular… And we look like we just stepped off the back of the bus."

Kurt looked offended. "This shirt, right here," he pointed to his white shirt, "is Burberry. That's no dropping off a bus, miss. Besides, those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice," he pointed out. We have more heart. We're not quite Time Lord level yet, though. By the way, like the outfit."

Mercedes smiled. Quinn and Santana gave her knowing looks.

"So… would you ever… you know… wanna hang out?" Mercedes asked nervously.

Rachel and Tina looked at each other. Rachel shook her head, looking confused.

_Oh no. Oh please no no no no no for the sake of the goddamn universe fucking no – _"Come over, it's Liza Minnelli week," Kurt said instead. He'd have to break the news of him being as gay as a rainbow somehow.

"Guys!" Rachel said suddenly. "That's Andrea Cohen, her solo from last year was absolutely outstanding!"

"You can't leave rehearsals for any reason," one of the two girls bent by the trash can said. "That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease!"

"Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline?" Rachel asked, excited. "We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreographing our Glee club."

The two girls seemed scared.

"Don't," the girl who'd been throwing up said, "he's a monster!"

X

This was Acafellas. Not all of it, but enough for you guys to see if you want more. Also, if you'd like to see any episode from season 1, just tell me in a review and I'll try and write it. I'm not going to do all of them, clearly, because it's too much for me.

Thank you all for clicking favorite, follow and review!


	3. Vitamin D Part 1

Vitamin D part 1

"Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking over here! We've got Sectionals in two weeks, and –"

"Please," Mercedes scoffed. "Sectionals is going to be a breeze."

Mr. Schue sighed. "Maybe so," he allowed, "but if we coast through Sectionals we're gonna get killed at Regionals. We have got to be on our game!"

Kurt started laughing. Mr. Schue stared at him. Kurt looked up, shrugged, and said, "Sorry, funny youtube. It's a grape stomping one."

Mr. Schue just stared.

X

"Competition!" Mr. Schue said, looking excited. "Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right." He pointed at a board holding pictures of Americans Kurt couldn't be bothered to remember the name of, a few animals, and… lightning next to a swimming pool.

What the fuck.

"But they use competing with each other even better," he said.

"I don't understand how lightning is in completion with an above ground swimming pool," Kurt asked.

Mr. Schue looked confused for a bit. A second later realization dawned over him, and he waved his arms around a bit while shaking his head. "Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You gotta up your game if you want to get through Sectionals!"

Finn yawned.

"Okay. Split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side," Mr. Schue said.

They all just looked at each other. "Let's go, come on!" Mr. Schue urged.

They all shuffled to their respective sides. Rachel was grinning and Quinn was rolling her eyes.

Kurt just stood awkwardly among the boys.

"Here's the deal: two teams. Boys vs girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash up of your choice."

"What's a mashup?" Mohawk asked blankly.

"A mashup is when you take two songs and mash 'em together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression," Mr. Schue explained. "Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls, the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay? Costumes, choreography! Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for Sectionals!"

"Wait!" Rachel said, putting her hand up in a stop sign fashion. "Who's gonna be the judge?"

Mr. Schue looked at her in confusion.

"Your gender makes you biased," Rachel explained.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Kurt muttered.

Realization dawned on Mr. Schue's face. "Aaaah. There is going to be a celebrity judge."

"W-who?" Tina asked.

"You're going to have to show up to find out," Mr. Schue said smugly.

"We got this in the bag," Mercedes drawled as all the girls started walking out.

"Totally," Rachel agreed.

"Hey," Mr. Schue told the boys. "Hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls looked pretty pumped."

"We're planning on smacking them down like the Hand of God," Artie told him.

Kurt narrowed his eyes at him. "You have no idea what Rachel's capable of doing. They're going to murder us."

"Oh, please."

"It's my funeral too."

"Stop being so dramatic," Artie said.

"Can't," Kurt replied. "It's in my veins."

"Come on," Artie gestured with his head towards the exit. "Let's go."

X

"He's drooling," Kurt said, his arms folded.

"Dude," Mohawk said, "wake up."

"Sure, yeah, that sounds good," Finn muttered, smiling in his idiot way.

"I said, wake up!" Puck said forcefully. "We can't let those girls beat us," he said.

"Sorry," Finn muttered. "Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard it helps to close my eyes."

"You were drooling," Kurt pointed out. "Still are."

"We are doing a mash-up of It's My Life and Usher's Confessions," Artie said.

"We should get some trash cans, and stomp them," Mohawk said.

"With all due respect, I rather we don't," Artie said nervously.

"Dude," Mohawk looked back at Finn. "What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse! Every day, I say I have a headache, I sleep for three hours." He looked at Kurt. "I haven't been in math class for two years."

Kurt rolled his eyes and looked back at Finn.

"Thanks, guys," Finn said, standing up with a heaving sigh. "Keep up the good work," he slapped Puck's shoulder as he exited.

"There's something seriously wrong with him," Kurt muttered.

"No shit," Mohawk replied.

X

Not five minutes later, Finn bounded in the room, smiling dumbly. "Hey guys, how's it going?" he asked enthusiastically. "God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number! I can't wait to do the number! I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up! Let's get jumping!" Finn pulled Matt out of his seat.

"Is your soul being taken over by caffeine and space aliens?" Artie asked, looking uneasy.

Behind him, Kurt nodded. Totally space aliens.

"NO! Just visited the school nurse, got this vitamin, I feel FANTASTIC! I can't wait to do the number, LET'S DO THE NUMBER, and then afterwards we can build a house for habitat for humanity!" Finn grinned, pleased.

"Got a vitamin?" Mohawk asked, unconvinced.

"Vitamin C – Vogue magazine said it boosts the morale and brightens the complexion," Kurt said.

Mohawk raised an eyebrow at him.

"Vitamin D," Finn corrected, eyes bright, "and I got you guys some!" he declared, sending a stack to Kurt's forehead. Mohawk lunged and caught it.

"Sweet," he muttered. "Hummel, take two."

"What – why the hell me?" Kurt demanded.

"Because you're our lab rat," Mohawk said.

"Eff you," Kurt said, crossing his arms and refusing the pills.

"Oh, come on, it did Finn good," Mohawk pointed out.

"Yeah, but Finn was dead on his feet and he's a flippin' giant."

"Please," Artie said. "I'll come over and we can watch Doctor Who together. I know you get bored by yourself."

Kurt eyed him. Mohawk popped two out of their place and gave them to Kurt. "Come on, we'll get you to the ER if something happens."

"I hate you," Kurt told Artie, "and if I die I am haunting you."

"Okay," Artie agreed.

Quickly, Kurt swallowed the fun pills. He went cross-eyed.

"Tish, you okay?" Mohawk asked.

"Great," Kurt muttered, closing his eyes. "Fuck, is that a unicorn?"

"He's hallucinating," Mohawk announced.

"No, I'm not," Kurt argued, opening his eyes again. He looked over at Finn, who was still jumping around being all happy.

"Hi, Kurt," Finn said.

"Hi, Finn," Kurt replied.

"Please don't start your epic gay romance just yet," Mohawk interjected.

Kurt looked over at him and grinned dopily. "You're an asshole," he said. "I'm happy," Kurt declared. "Finn, let's go through the routine."

"Sweet!" Finn grinned.

X

The mash-up went great. Getting sort of high was totally worth it to see the girls' faces after that epic song. Mohawk swayed slightly after their ending. Matt steadied him a bit. Kurt's posture slacked a bit.

"Awesome, guys!" Mr. Schue said as he came over to shake hands with them. "Geez, I didn't know you had it in you! It's like someone slipped something into your juice bottle!"

The guys laughed nervously.

"Whoo," Mr. Schue said. "You girls better bring it tomorrow, otherwise… We got our opening number for Sectionals!"

Finn and Mohawk started yelling like gorillas. At least in Kurt's opinion. The drug was sort of wearing off. He felt tired now.

Should he rat on them? He'd rat on himself if he did. Although they did have a truce of sorts, him and Mohawk weren't that chummy. He'd get killed.

Still. Kurt was nothing if not fair. He'd find a way to be anonymous about it.

X

"How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house?" Mercedes asked. "They've never been good."

"How did they d-d-d-do it?" Tina asked.

The doors opened suddenly. Inside slid a person, male, dressed in black clothing from head to toe – including a ski mask. And leather gloves.

"What the –" Santana asked, confused.

The masked person did a roll until he reached Rachel, handed her an envelope, ran back to the doors, checked the hallways and ran off.

He'd forgotten that the back of his shirt had writing that said VOTE SAXON X.

"Hey, I know that shirt," Mercedes said. "Kurt, what the hell?!"

X

**Because the girls need to rock the house, too. **

**GIVE ME EPISODES. IF I LIKE AN EPISODE ENOUGH I'LL WRITE IT ALL BUT RIGHT NOW I'M GETTING BORED OF THEM. YOUR FAVORITE EPISODES, GUYS. GIVE THEM TO ME. **


	4. Random Moments With Kurt and Mercedes 1

Random Moments with English!Kurt and Mercedes

A bit of a warning in here: this is going to be slightly about Doctor Who up to season four, so if you haven't seen it watch out for spoilers. If you don't care about Doctor Who, then, sorry, you can just skip the first two parts, they're short. If you don't watch Doctor Who, fear not – Mercedes doesn't either, but she's being forced to learn by Kurt who is like the biggest fanboy ever.

Another warning for very slight Doctor/Master. It's speculation from Kurt, triggered by Mercedes.

Also, I apologize for not posting an episode chapter – school has started again and I don't have the time to post whole or half episodes.

This one contains a bit of background regarding Kurt's life in London, and a few mentioned OCs, but if you don't like OCs, don't worry – I don't either. They're not going to be making an appearance.

AWESOME KURTMERCEDES FRIENDSHIP YAYZ

X

"It's like the middle of the series now," Kurt said. "I haven't been able to watch all the episodes recently because I've been so busy with school and glee."

"Sorry," Mercedes said, grinning. "I've been keeping you from your true love."

"It's just," Kurt continued, "I can't wait for the end of Series 4 – there's word that the Master's making a comeback."

"I just know I'm going to regret this, but… the Master sounds like a really, really kinky name," Mercedes said.

Kurt shot her a filthy look. "Don't mess with the Master. He's the evilest Time Lord alive – or, well, dead, since he died in Series 3, and he's the Doctor's arch nemesis. Or best enemy. Take your pick."

"So, the Master wants to jump the Doctor's bones, correct?" Mercedes asked, grinning.

"No," Kurt rolled his eyes, before freezing suddenly. "Oh my God, Mercedes, I think you're right."

"About what?"

"The Master jumping the Doctor's bones – or the other way around, whichever. Seriously, you should have seen the way the Doctor cried his eyes out over the Master's body," Kurt said, pensive. "And the Master's always doing something to get the Doctor's attention."

"Sounds like unrequited romance to me," Mercedes said, snorting. "On both sides."

"Poor sods," Kurt agreed.

X

"I'm like the Doctor to your Donna," Kurt said, suddenly.

Mercedes paused in what she was saying to Mr. Schue and turned around to face Kurt. "Seriously, boy?"

X

"She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers…" Mercedes hummed.

"I'm waiting for the day when you look up and find that what you're, looking for, has been here the whole time," Kurt continued sullenly.

"Finn's not going to turn gay, Kurt."

"Damn it."

X

"Show me some pictures of you and your friends from London," Mercedes told him, settling on his bed. "I'm really curious."

Kurt brightened up. "Sure, just let me…" he rummaged around for a bit in a drawer, before pulling out a small box. "I didn't have a lot of friends, but the ones I did I'm still keeping in touch with them."

He removed the lid and took out a few photographs. He pointed to one with him and a brunette, a beautiful view of London behind them. "This is me and Lisa. We were taking a tour with our eighth grade class in the London Eye. It was kind of boring… Like, the first five minutes are awesome and the next twenty are really crappy, because it goes really slow."

"Who's Lisa?" Mercedes asked, curious.

"She was one of my first friends," Kurt said happily, grinning that toothy smile of his. He pointed to another picture, with the same girl and a blonde boy standing at a table, holding drinks and making silly faces at each other. "This is her boyfriend, Craig. They're like, adorable, and seriously sickening. Guess how they met," Kurt challenged Mercedes.

"I don't know… she was carrying a hot cup of coffee and then collided into him and doused him in hot liquid?" she asked.

"We don't drink coffee," Kurt said. "Well. I've started picking up this worrying habit of buying caffeinated drinks from the coffee shop when I go with you."

"Then don't," Mercedes said, shrugging. "Buy tea."

"It sucks," Kurt said bluntly.

X

Kurt and Mercedes were at the mall, drinking tea and caramel frappucinos respectively and talking about boys when two girls came over.

"Hi," the black-haired one with glasses said.

"Hi," Kurt and Mercedes said at the same time.

"What's up?" the blonde one with the hot pink top asked as she seated herself next to Kurt. The brunette remained standing, fiddling with her thumbs.

"Who the hell are you?" Mercedes demanded.

"Is this your girlfriend?" the blonde asked Kurt, leaning closer and touching him on the shoulder. "You could do better, sweet cheeks."

"No she isn't, and no I couldn't," Kurt replied icily. "Remove yourself from my person."

"Oh, honey –"

"I SAID REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PERSON, THIS IS ZEGNA YOU'RE TOUCHING," Kurt repeated forcefully.

She paused and scowled. "Uh, fine. Come on, Diane, let's go. This guy won't get laid anytime soon," she told the brunette, who's cheeks caught flame.

"Certainly not with you," Kurt replied, nodding.

"Are you gay, or something?" she demanded, pointing to her, admittedly attractive body. "Most guys would definitely want to hit this."

"Yes," Kurt and Mercedes said at the same time.

"Like a unicorn," Mercedes said.

"Or a man in a rainbow suit shooting out sparkles out of his behind," Kurt added.

She paused, thinking it over. "Oh. Well I just made a fool of myself, haven't I?"

"Yes," Kurt, Mercedes and Diane said at the same time.

X


End file.
